Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
