omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Did we literally take a cab across the street
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
