i don't like sucking hair
I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize