I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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