i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
