she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
