Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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