Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
