"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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