someone get that fucking seahorse.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just found puke in my bra..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
