im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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