Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
