i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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