Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize