i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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