Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
