So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize