I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
