1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
My liver just broke up with me...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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