DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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