I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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