He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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