I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
