Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize