Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
