for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
