dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize