fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
