You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
