It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize