Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I think I just sharted jello shots
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
