Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
