I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
