I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
