Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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