it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
