I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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