Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
