i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Randomize
