Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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