mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
