I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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