1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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