I just saw a hot homeless man
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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