I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
