I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
