I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
