just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
