Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize