Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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