I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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