you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
