things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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