wakey wakey hands off snakey
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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