I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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