she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
