the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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