I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize