Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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