giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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