Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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